for d.robe

This is for d.robe. I have returned to the blogsphere to continue our conversation. So, in tonight's thoughts... I was just listening to a song by the Head and the Heart, and it goes something like this: My roots have grown but I don't know where they are, Don't know where they are, I don't know where they are, My roots have grown but I don't know where they are. As I prepare to leave the city I've called home for the last two years to return to the city I called home for twenty-three, I feel much like those lyrics--my roots have grown, but I don't know where they are. I don't know where they are. But I think--I hope--I'm prepared to follow them until I find where they are.

squash perfectionism.

Thou has TAUGHT me to say...

This morning I awoke quite early (for me at least) with an oppressing anxiety that sat squarely on my chest. I don't get super anxious very often, and consequently hate it when I am. Unfortunately, I anticipate that this next week will be more of the same awakenings since the first comprehensive exam is Friday, and I have yet to feel prepared.

However, as I was sitting at my kitchen table this morning, a verse suddenly flew into my mind:

"Be anxious about nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

After a few minutes, I noticed I had begun humming, "whatever my lot Thou has taught me to say, it is well with my soul." Now, this one line is significant in it's own right, but especially when I consider that the man who wrote it (Horatio Spafford) wrote it after the death of his son and four daughters (in two different incidents). He had also lost his legal practice because of the great Chicago fire. This man lost so much. And yet, he wrote these words as a prayer of supplication and thanksgiving:



When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

my airstream home wish

sometimes i wish i lived in an airstream home, eight curtains, lived just like a gypsie ... sometimes i wish i lived on a mountain, drank from a stream instead of a fountain, i'd stay there and talk of the world ...

my thoughts in the past 20 minutes.

I'm so relieved that most of my projects are done as of today. Wow, this has been a busy semester thus far. I'm already done with three classes.

I need to study for Comps...this is my best weekend to study. Only two weekends left.

I wonder what cranial nerve innervates the pharynx? Oh man, I need to brush up on my cranial nerves. What if the question is about dysarthria?

Cher. Cher used to be a part of a duet. Oh, right, Sonny and Cher. And Cher went on to be a famous singer in her own right. And Sonny was a Senator. A US Senator. And then he died in a ski accident. How sad.

Aphasia diagnostic assessments. I need to study those. This weekend I'll do it.

Wow, way to go Cher. Poor Sonny. What a weird name. Sonny.

I'm tired. Is it already Thursday?

Wow, I'm thinking a lot of weird thoughts.

I should write these down because they're funny.

(writing)

Okay. Maybe they're only funny to me.,,,oh well. Only allistairrigby reads this blog, and hopefully he'll laugh. Or maybe he won't....awkward. Oh, that's awkward to write awkward. I really hope he laughs during this part. Or maybe he won't. I'll never know because I'll forget to ever ask, so it doesn't really matter.

Golden Gardens. Oh, I wish I were driving on the Ballard Bridge right now to Golden Gardens. I like Golden Gardens. I like eating sushi at Golden Gardens.

To illustrate something from my last post, here is a friend's facebook status:

"That moment when a woman straight-up faints on the train and you're the only person who offers her a seat. Way to suck, Boston."

She's also from Seattle.

my next life skill

I've finally had a chance to sit and reflect on some of the happenings in my life this past month. Albeit, these moments of reflection only happened because I had a 30 minute T-ride, but at this point of the semester, I take any chance I get to think about something other than school, comps or PRAXIS! With how busy and stressed I've been this past month, I've noticed a terrible want of insight into my personal life recently, which resulted in 2 weeks of headaches and sinus pain before I realized I had a serious sinus infection requiring antibiotics, three weeks since I saw my sister-in-law, three weeks and counting since I've seen my brothers, and fortunately only two weeks since I've seen Erin and Zach. In just a few minutes, I'm headed over to their home for Zach's phenomenal curry, chapatis, excellent conversation, an adorable baby who has won my heart, and hopefully a game of Ticket to Ride.

So, before I go, some reflections from this past month:

This week I was asked if I thought there were any cultural differences between Seattle and Boston. Sometimes I am unnerved by the differences I see. People can be incredibly rude in Boston, because they have little to no discretion or inhibition, nor do they seem to care or feel the need to camouflage their feelings. People in Seattle are typically very nice...sometimes to the point of passive aggression, but I rarely see displays of anger in Seattle, and as a transplanted Washingtonian, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable when I am anywhere near such a scene. Given my former critique of Bostonians, I need to add that I am often surprised by the novelty and grandeur of their acts of kindness...I've grown to love beantown, and Bostonians.

Even with these "cultural" differences, I am always amazed that people have such universal personalities. Oh, yes, people are unique. But people are also very similar in many ways. I think we like to think we are more different than we actually are. (I'm open to criticisms of that thought, so please critique as you feel the need.)

I've decided that the next life skill I need to acquire is how to take photos without the person(s) noticing. I have seen so many strange, often amusing things this past week...some were rather disturbing now that I think of it. Some I can't even begin to write about, because of the inability to describe what I've seen, and the indelicacy it would require. To do so would be to expose my own prejudices that I typically try to keep reserved. I know I'm being vague, but it's very intentional. As I already said, to share some of my observations from this past week would place me an uncomfortable position....However, let me just say...Judgments aside, I wish there were some way to upload images and sound bites from my brain to you...then you could see for yourself how ridiculous these scenes have been!

So, with those thoughts finally out of my mind, let me catch you up on my daily life. I have class one day a week where I attend class from 9am to 8pm (and I've already completed 2 classes this semester! Only four left to finish), 3 days of clinical placement at an early intervention clinic (which I LOVE!), and one day where I work on a "diagnostic" team...aka, we prepare for many hours on a weekly basis for 2 hours of actual testing with a client every three weeks. Weeknights and weekends I spend simply trying to finish all my homework and I study for my comprehensive exams (aka "comps") and PRAXIS (aka "boards") during the leftover time, which isn't much. Overall, it's exhausting. I am exhausted. I've somehow fit in the time to apply for jobs and have "interviews" over the phone, which has been encouraging, and a good prompt for studying for my comps! I also applied to graduate (!!!), bought my Masters' gown and hood, and registered for all of my exams (I think it takes a Masters to just negotiate all those pages required to register!). Hundreds of dollars and countless web pages later, it looks like an end is in sight! I will actually graduate with a Masters of Science in a field I love, and hope to make a difference in. Some day soon I'll try to blog about why I love Speech-Language Pathology, and will attempt a definition of and then an argument for why I think that Early Intervention programs deserve more federal funding. But that'll come at a much later date...I'm not sure I have the brain power for that now, and any brain power I do have should probably be dedicated to the ten page paper I need to write tomorrow...

amos, sing me home.

tomorrow is the last day i'll be in Seattle...for an undetermined amount of time. I don't know when I'll next be back...it really just depends on what I decide to do with my life after graduation from grad school...so who really knows?

goodbye my beloved PNW...for now.

well halle-freakin-lujah.

for those of you who read my blog, i apologize that nothing interesting has been put here recently. to be honest, my brain power is pretty limited these days. for the past five weeks or so, i have been writing papers, studying, cramming knowledge into my brain....trying to sleep, rest, and eat...and all in a 24 hour day. It's been a nightmare of work. I wake up thinking about Aphasia or cysts on the vocal folds, and fall asleep thinking about the impending doom of a test, or worse--how those cysts formed on the vocal folds. I know: ewww.

But halle-freakin-lujah! The end is in sight! My last final is Monday night, and I just have a few more assignments/paperwork to finish before then. I can't even begin to describe how excited I am. And I literally mean "can't". Don't have the brain power anymore!

And, I want to add that in spite of how crazy my life has been these past few weeks, I am SO BLESSED. My brothers live here, my sister-in-law lives here, one of my best friends lives here, and I am so grateful for my grad school friends.

xmas

well, well, well, blogging world, it has been quite some time since i visited you.

but i visit now with this lovely and comforting christmas carol [with a few personal comments in the margins]:

God rest you merry, Gentlemen, [oh where are you sweet, sweet rest and sleep?]
Let nothing you dismay, [like finals?]
For Jesus Christ our Savior
Was born upon this Day. [yay Christmas is near!!!]
To save us all from Satan's power,
When we had gone astray. [yup]
O' tidings of comfort and joy.
Comfort and joy. [the end is in sight]

today

"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul...whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship." -Moby Dick

okay boston, i'm back.

let the adventures begin....starting with a hurricane.

to hell with the red wine! pour me some moonshine.

I'm not gonna lay around and whine and moan
Cause somebody done done me wrong.
Don't think for a minute
that I'm gonna sit around and sing some old sad song.
I believe it's half-full, not a half-empty glass.
Every day I wake up knowing it could be my last.

I ain't here for a long time, I'm here for a good time.
So bring on the sunshine, to hell with the red wine!
Pour me some moonshine.
When I'm gone put it in stone: "she left nothin behind".
I ain't here for a long time, I'm here for a good time.


I decided this may become my life theme song.

Last night I had a much awaited chat with d.robe, a man who I appreciate, love and will miss as he steps into the next phase of his life. But d.robe will succeed at anything he attempts to do, because he's amazing. d.robe is one of those friends I can easily bounce back into our wonderful relationship with--we only see each other a few times a year now, but it seems like we were never apart. Conversation flows easily, we understand each other nearly perfectly, he challenges me to be a better me merely by his example, and encourages me more than I could ever thank him for.

When I told d.robe that I was getting ready to come back to Seattle to "settle down", he challenged me asking "but are you really ready to settle down? C.rich, are you actually ready to settle down?" I thought about it and realized: "HECK NO." As I thought about it more, I realized that though I do miss Seattle and I want to make it my home once again, I will never settle down...and when I say "never", I mean, not for a while at least. My heart is too wild, my imagination too vivid, and my passion for knowledge unquenchable. It's a blessing and a curse of my family. My twin brother is the same way...we are always seeking. I mean, c'mon, I read about sharks while I'm bored in class, just to learn whatever random knowledge I can.

So this conversation set my brain to a new path and lots of memories arose. My dad once told me that I am just like the NASA Space Shuttle Challenger. He said that I had potential but I "too often waited for others to punch the button to launch." Mr. Ian, one of the most influential teachers I've ever had, told me something similar: "you don't seize opportunities to lead, but you will step up to the plate if you sense you're needed." Well, in classic-Charlotte-fashion, I've been thinking about those comments quite a lot and for a few years.

I've realized that these comments challenged me to grow. I am a patient person, but I'm no longer the type of woman who will sit and wait for things to happen to me...I've started to seize every opportunity that comes. Example? Grad school. Moving across the country for two years. Road trip to CT to look at a book? Sure, why not?

Now, I understand that this may not be a big deal for most people....other people are probably more spontaneous than I am, and are used to this. But for me--this is a big change. I've made a lot of big changes in my life these past few years, and I love it. I do miss my friends and family and home in Washington State, but I love what I'm doing. I love exploring new states, new cities, places I've only heard and dreamed about. I feel free to dream. But unlike before, I don't want to just dream. I want to do. I want to go. So I will. And I am.

"But when I point my head, everyone can see where I'm looking!"

...brilliantly spoken, Angi, brilliant.

In the wake of a road trip to MT, I decided to buy a headlamp. All the boys had one, and I was sad because I didn't have one. Unfortunately, though, my trip to the flagship REI inspired an all-out extravaganza of purchasing or (mostly) wish-listing items that I don't really have the time/opportunity to use or the money to buy!

But it inspired me to make a list of things I want to do with my to-be-acquired REI items, which I owe in part to Christye's blog about things she wants to do before she's 25. Well, I just turned 25, so that one's out, but I definitely want to make a list of various things I want to do before I turn 30. It's a combination of things to do on the East Coast, in between, and when I return to the PNW next year.

1. Go on a kayaking-camping trip.
1a. Buy a kayak.

2. Backpack the Cascade Loop.
2a. Buy a new sleeping bag since people keep taking mine!

3. Climb Rainier.

4. Finish grad school.

5. Completely pay off my student loans.

6. Explore NYC with Janae.

7. Stay in a cabin and snowshoe in Vermont or New Hampshire.

8. Visit the hospital in Tanzania ZW told me about.

9. Volunteer at the Special Olympics.

10. Go to a Dolly Parton concert--don't judge me. I will always love her no matter how wrong people think it is.

11. Finish reading through the Bible (I'm about 1/3 of the way through, but it's taken me a while to get that far!)

12. Visit Ireland, Scotland, & go back to England. Or Egypt & Israel. Or Greece. Or all of the above.

13. Drive across the USA and stop at Yonkers, Philly, Pittsburgh, Gettysburg, Chicago, any Minnesota city, somewhere in Iowa, Mount Rushmore, Bozeman, Yellowstone, Bend.

14. Live alone in a cabin on a lake by myself with a kayak and a fishing pole. Maine would be rad. I'd accept Oregon as a close second.

15. Fly fish in a river...I'm thinking somewhere near Snoqualmie Falls.

my old friend.

My old friend, I recall
The times we had are hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me and
somehow sanctify me
And they're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again

My old friend I apologize
For the years that have passed since the
last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the runnin' and the races and the
people and the places
there was always somewhere else i had to be
And time gets thin, my old friend

Don't know why, don't know why
Don't know why, don't know why

My old friend this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
'Cause the love and the laughter will live on long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again my old friend

Goodbye, Goodbye
Goodbye, Goodbye

My old friend

summer.

As I sit here, staring at my to-do list, I suddenly realized: I have five weeks left to summer. FIVE. Even though the time is passing and the day of my departure from Seattle nears, I still have FIVE weeks left to burn and freckle my fair skin, study (two finals next week and one in a few weeks!), read, relax, enjoy my wonderful friends, eat berry pies, to drink PNW coffee, water, wine and beer...

A few days ago, I had this Debby downer moment...I've begun to realize how badly I want to be in my own apartment, with my things, with my own time and schedule, and working toward something I am passionate about, with the freedom to do as I will...and all of those things are in Boston. But eventually they will be in Seattle. And I don't really want to be in Boston (as much as I love it there and the wonderful people who await me...seriously, how lucky am I? My brothers, my sister-in-law, two of my best friends from college all live in Boston! Or near enough to it). But I want to be in Seattle. Which could be semi-permanently, obviously, because I don't really know where I want to be or should be at this point. Colorado is still calling to me sweetly, and a long trip to Europe is always on the back burner of my mind...not to mention southern Africa, where a special needs hospital pulls at my heart.

As the beloved TF used to quote, "this too shall pass." Eventually this particular period of life will be over, and I'll be moving on to another one. Please don't misunderstand me, I do love the period I'm in right now. I think, though, that the Someone who knows me well is lighting a fire under my feet, preparing me for the next step, just as He did when He prepared me for moving to Boston a few years ago...it always starts as a slight discomfort which slowly develops into a temperately burning passion and desire...oxymoron? Maybe. But my whole being is an oxymoron, let's be honest.

returning to boston

just last week i was listing reasons to a friend regarding why i don't want to return to boston....but today i wanted to list some reasons i do want to return to boston, because, let's face it...i'm going back.

erin: my best friend from college now LIVES in boston, a mere 25 minute walk from me. and her beautiful baby. and her wonderful husband. so really, i cannot wait to be reunited with her.

janae: she has returned from the homeland and will be on the same coast with me, finally! i will be able to see her so often, it almost makes me cry, because i have missed her so much.

paul & lisa & nick: i miss them.

cambridgeport: this lovely neighborhood will be home to me soon enough. besides my excitement to live with my two new roommates d&s, i will also be in the most perfect location...25 minutes from erin, a short T ride from paul at work, paul & lisa & nick at home, close to central/harvard/porter squares, close to my new favorite used bookstore, relatively close to bu sargent, close to the river....ah, i am so excited to walk by the river.

new friends in boston: i miss them too! i want to see them all.

fall in boston. leaf-peeping on the kangamangus highway.

winter in boston. the patriots. gosh, i love football. oh! hockey! bu hockey games.

the bu pub. the sam adams brewery!

the t...i miss you, T! your crowded, overly warm rides...oh how i miss you.

Remade.

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade.

run in the night

Janae just sent me this song and I really wanted to share it.

The line "You formed my knees to bend" really struck a cord with me. Just recently I've been praying to ask Christ to refresh my passion for prayer...it's been dulled over the years, so I've been asking Him to form it for me. This line spoke to my soul...

I know who I am
Once I was nameless, alone and you found me
You formed my knees to bend
You call me Beloved, I am perfection

All my failures won’t condemn me
Or leave me paralyzed and bound
When I’m at my worst
Your Love, it finds me first

By you, I can run in the night
For by you, I can run in the night

For I am such a man
Seized by the power of a great affection
No matter where I am
Peace spreads below me in every direction

When evil sets the war upon me
I won’t stumble, I won’t fall
Though they do their worst
Your love has found me first

For by you, I can run in the night
For by you, I can run in the night
For by you, I can run in the night

Hide me in the shelter of
Keep me in the cover of
Lead me in the light of your love
Hide me in the light of your love

No matter where I am
Whom shall I fear
Lead me in the light

need a movie suggestion?

I've not blogged for quite some time, but I decided that I really wanted to mention some movie suggestions, if you're looking for any.

Taking Chance, starring Kevin Bacon--don't let KB throw you off, it is an AMAZING movie and definitely not one of his typical movies.

The Young Victoria, starring Emily Blunt--I've already mentioned this one, but I believe this may be one of the most touching historical dramas.

Jaws, starring Richard Dreyfuss--"Matt Hooper: Ha, ha - they're all gonna die." Nuff said.

Bridesmaids, starring Kristin Wiig--I almost can't believe I'm recommending it, but I honestly loved it.